Life As I THINK I Know It...
Life is so fragile and I am realizing that more and more every second of my days. It is so easy to get all wrapped up in the pointless and stressful details of life. So many people in my life have delt with illness, critical accidents, and death this past year... it is just mind numbing.
For me 2005 has been a year of change, of growth, of a new perspective. There is a plan. I have choices that will get me to that plan. Every choice I made this year has gotten me to who I am today. I got something from every single choice I made and I don't regret a thing. I've never been one to regret a thing anyway... I wonder why that is? Perhaps it's because I think things through before I do anything. I'm rambling.
I am just speechless... well, because I really don't know what my future holds. I have never been so excited yet simotaneously so full of fear. Not the worrysome kind of fear, just the unknown... well, I really can't explain it other than to say it's partly a fear of falling back into old habits and ways of living... that's not to say that everything is perfect...I am far from it. And I don't expect to ever reach a point of perfection. The day I think that I might as well be dead. The complexity of it all is in my head but putting the thoughts on the screen is not as easy as one would think. It's a different world in this head of mine. Plus God is tying my tongue for a reason, I am sure.
Why did I feel the need to put this on my blog? On a public domain? Well it's not like many people read this thing so it really doesn't matter. If only the world could read what I don't publish! I wrote a rather lengthly article about Africa, the art, the lost traditions, and the westernization of the country the other day. I miss school.
Side note: I really wish Christmas wasn't so commercialized.
For me 2005 has been a year of change, of growth, of a new perspective. There is a plan. I have choices that will get me to that plan. Every choice I made this year has gotten me to who I am today. I got something from every single choice I made and I don't regret a thing. I've never been one to regret a thing anyway... I wonder why that is? Perhaps it's because I think things through before I do anything. I'm rambling.
I am just speechless... well, because I really don't know what my future holds. I have never been so excited yet simotaneously so full of fear. Not the worrysome kind of fear, just the unknown... well, I really can't explain it other than to say it's partly a fear of falling back into old habits and ways of living... that's not to say that everything is perfect...I am far from it. And I don't expect to ever reach a point of perfection. The day I think that I might as well be dead. The complexity of it all is in my head but putting the thoughts on the screen is not as easy as one would think. It's a different world in this head of mine. Plus God is tying my tongue for a reason, I am sure.
Why did I feel the need to put this on my blog? On a public domain? Well it's not like many people read this thing so it really doesn't matter. If only the world could read what I don't publish! I wrote a rather lengthly article about Africa, the art, the lost traditions, and the westernization of the country the other day. I miss school.
Side note: I really wish Christmas wasn't so commercialized.
posted by elocin at 12/01/2005 09:09:00 PM
8 Comments:
I READ YOUR BLOG. ANNNNNND I love reading it. This was a vunerable, and well said post, I believe. You really have grown so much.You have so mancy different facets to you like a sparkling diamond! A diamond in the rough! Well, you are my Neil Lane 6 carat brilliant cut, my dear. I am proud of you always.I LOVE YOU ABBSY
mancy! oops- MANY Sorry!
I am curious, what do you mean by saying you wish Christmas wasn;t so commercialized?
I read too. :)
Thanks for reading...last night as I was laying there trying to go to sleep I thought to myself, "why did you write that? Get up in the morning and delet it!" And as you can see...I forgot to.
When I said "Commercialized" I was speaking of the meaning of Christmas. My family (or maybe it's just been me) doesn't give much thought to the reason for celebration. It's always been Santa and presents and food and "did I get enough for everyone?!?! Oh gosh!" NOT that I am unappreciative...I love my family so much my chest could explode. And I love that we all get together...I just wish we could do something for another family... make theirs as amazing as my past 25 have been. I feel a bit selfish. My life came to a point where things were hard to come by and I never thought that would happen to my family. I've experienced it and now I know a bit of what the "other half" feel. So, I just feel like giving this Christmas...I've received so much in my life and I want someone who has never had that Christmas morning feeling to have it. I have it to store away, a cherished memory. But looking back perhaps it was all material. And ya know writing this all out I just realized that they probably have something I've never taken the time to have and that is just being thankful for each other. Thankful that we can take the time to come together and experince love. Everything happens for a specific reason. Perhaps it was all just to appreciate life more. It's just been a long year. Filled with lessons and growth that I am thankful for. Hmmmmm...
I read, as well. Being vulnerable is the road to real relationiship - good for you! :)
you wrote a paper about africa? and you ahven't shared it with me yet because......
and ps on the commericialization of christmas...i'm proud of you for saying that. it takes guts to act upon renouncing the materialism and experiecing christmas as it's meant to be. i applaud that. and i join you. as i've gotten older, my resources keep dwindling and i see that physical gifts have little staying power when it all comes down.
we are both learning alot this year. i'm glad to know i'm not alone in these hard places.
Post a Comment
<< Home