What beauty can so freely fly
untamed, unteathered, undone?
To soar and dive and touch the sky;
The sky and earth are one.
The colors bright and striking
Define the butterfly's soul.
The colors streak of freedom;
Of strength and beauty bold.
A silhouette against the sky
Wings soar to heights untold
How high her flight of fancy takes her
We will never know.
The splash of color spilled on her wings
Of bright an shining gold.
Did God use butterfly’s wings
As a palette you cannot hold?
Look closely as she spreads her wings
And lightly, delicately lands.
As though she bears no weight at all;
The stem she does not bend.
Tonight was the fifth night of a Bible study I am holding at my house and it has spawned a few thoughts. We are studying a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge called Captivating. The book talks about a woman's deepest question: What beauty do we have to unveil? Here is my summary so far:
Many women doubt very much that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. In fact, it's pretty much our deepest doubt. Of course society plays a large hand in our fear of a lack of beauty. Have you seen the sections in your local bookstore on diet, exercise, self help and books specifically engineered for women? I've yet to linger over into the men's section, but out of curiosity I may do that this week. Women flock to these shelves in order to improve upon the masterpiece they already are. Sure, we could all use some tweaking, life is a constant evolution, but the only thing I have found self help books good for is to help stand up the more interesting books on my shelf. Or as the occasional prop in piece of artwork I am creating. As Chekhov said, "Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out." No words could ring more true. We are constantly running on the gerbil wheel of self improvement only to find ourselves in the same place as we had started, or even more messed up than before because all these new fears we have read about and absorbed. If we could just step off the wheel for a moment and look in the mirror at ourselves as a whole...No, not at your waist line that just irks you, but at your WHOLE self you would really find a physical thing of beauty. From large to small the human female body is an absolute masterpiece; it has an absolute elegance. I know we're not talking about men here but they too have such a unique structure. I always relate the male body to a work of architecture with its muscular angles and all of that encapsulated strength. OK, some, not all.
All of that is physical. More importantly, take a look inside. Look at every good and every bad thing. There lies the individual self. I repeat, individual. Beautiful= individual. I cannot tell you what a breath of fresh air it is when I have a conversation with someone who absolutely embraces their individuality and has no problem with expressing it. The more reclusive have the beauty in there. There is an excitement that wells up in me knowing there is an unopened trunk of thoughts just knocking around in that closed up head of theirs. The anticipation of it bursting out that makes me sit on edge; the moment a thought forms and I witness as it unravels into its own fascinating creature.
I find so much delight in the perspectives of others. This is not to say that I feel this in every conversation I encounter. No, it's only on occasion I come across this symmetry. These are moments I wish I could bottle up. It's similar to the passion inside when I stand before a blank canvas: unaware, relinquished control, breathing, mentally supine, held captive by just sheer possibility. Sometimes I am disappointed and sometimes I am absolutely awe struck.
Back to the study. There is a lingering fear among women. Not being accepted, the domination of life for fear that she will be vulnerable, indulgence, loneliness, and the list goes on. All of this fear hindering women from embracing their femininity. If one chooses to relate this Biblically it all goes back to Eve. She ate the apple desiring to know all, desiring control, thinking God was holding out on her, and that she could not trust His heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life she must take matters into her own hands. Well, she did and she was the first to fall. She was supposed to be Adam's ezer kenegdo (def: helper, life saver, only other time used in the bible was referring to God himself) and she failed him.
There are desolate women "ruled by the aching abyss within them". These are the women who buy the books Co-dependent No More or Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them. They are consumed by a hunger for a relationship. These women also tend to hide their true selves. I think every woman can admit that they have all been through a stage of this, but for some this lingers and robs them of truly meaningful experiences and relationships. For fear of abandonment when she is "found out" she remains closed up. Fear of death of the heart. A woman’s worst fear – abandonment. Let’s be honest: this woman resides in all females on some level. The question is: what brought her to this point?
This brings us to the wounded woman. She is wounded from events in her life that have occurred from birth to this very day. John and Stasi speak of the question all women have inside, “Am I lovely?” This question was either answered or unanswered in a female’s youth by her father, by her peers, by a number of subjects. She has held onto this “definition of her beauty” her entire life. Whether or not today she acknowledges the answer she received as a child this question remains. It is underlying in every situation she faces trying to define if she is indeed lovely in the eyes of another. I am not speaking simply on a relationship level but in any situation. If she “measures up” so to speak. “And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak.”
I could go on but I am not writing a book. In closing, this little excerpt from my mind ends very undefined and open ended. But that’s where I’m at in this book and in my life. Constantly evolving, constantly growing, and constantly learning.
I will leave you with a few quotes:
“Beauty is dangerous.” – Gerard Manley Hopkins
“Be the person you wish to marry.” – Emila (wise woman in my Bible Study. Although she got it from somewhere else.)
“If you spot it; you got it!” – My Aunt, Pam
Feel free to share your thoughts either on the blog comment section 0r email me at city_girl_108@yahoo.com. I am very interested in your opinions.
*Note: If my punctuation or grammar upset you go hire me a freggin editor.
Baxter reaching back to his teaching roots. Always acting like a goober.
This one's for Eric. He'd go missing and we'd find him in the PLayers Room: Salon D. He should really get hooked on phonics! He could also use some bowling lessons :)
